• Start Here
    • About Leslie
    • What is INFJ?
    • Featured
  • The INFJ Life
  • Blog
    • Discovery Call
    • 1:1 Coaching
    • Know Your Type
    • ELI Assessment
    • FAQ
    • INFJ Bookshelf
    • Courses
  • Contact
Menu

Leslie McDaniel Coaching

Resources + Coaching for INFJ Women
  • Start Here
  • About
    • About Leslie
    • What is INFJ?
    • Featured
  • The INFJ Life
  • Blog
  • Work With Me
    • Discovery Call
    • 1:1 Coaching
    • Know Your Type
    • ELI Assessment
    • FAQ
  • Resources
    • INFJ Bookshelf
    • Courses
  • Contact
INFJs crave understanding.jpg

Why INFJs crave understanding

October 15, 2018

Have you ever wondered if you'll ever be understood completely? You may have even wondered what's wrong with you. You may feel hopeless when your close friends and family don't even understand you.

You're not alone in these thoughts, and there's nothing wrong with you. Feeling misunderstood is very common among INFJs. I believe wanting to be understood is a human trait shared by all 16 MBTI® personality types. But I also believe there are several reasons why INFJs may desire understanding more than other types. By recognizing the reasons we desire understanding, we can look at our feelings of misunderstanding from a new perspective.

Why INFJs Want to be Understood

1. We crave meaning in everything.

INFJs want to understand how things are connected. We want to know the underlying meaning behind things. We rarely accept things at the surface level. In fact, we're usually looking right past the surface to discover what's underneath. We may ask, "Why did this happen the way it did?" You may find yourself consistently interested in the motivation of other people's actions. We're always on the lookout for that deeper meaning. Words are not simply words. Conversation is not simply conversation.

We place a high value on meaning and understanding—which are two sides of the same coin. When you value something, you not only seek it out but you hope for it in return.

2. Understanding others comes naturally to us.

INFJs take in information through their intuition, which happens internally (it's called Introverted Intuition/Ni). You have intuitive insights about people which come from collection of data points that have been subconsciously recognized as a pattern. This allows you to have a deep understanding of others without much effort. You can be wrong, of course. But more often than not you have a gift of understanding others. 

Even though our understanding of others come to us through a very unique process, it happens naturally and without much effort. We may not even recognize it as a gift because it's so common to us. Here again we see the desire to receive in return what we so easily give. 

3. We may not understand ourselves.

There are several articles online about how INFJs are completely disconnected from their own feelings. While it's true that we may struggle to know how we feel about something in the moment, it's not impossible for us to know. The Introverted Feeling (Fi) function that our INFP friends lead with is not part of our stack of preferred cognitive functions. That doesn't mean we don't use it. It just means that it's harder for us to access. We can become much more self-aware as we grow and develop. You begin to understand yourself better as you spend time observing yourself and digging into why you do the things you do. This is only a hypothesis, but I believe it's possible that our desire for meaning, coupled with a lack of self-understanding, may cause us to hold out hope that someone may help fill us in on what we don't know about ourselves. This understanding from others can also reinforce the idea that we are worthy and that we have something of value to offer the world. These are things with which INFJs frequently struggle.


What can I do when I feel misunderstood?

Now that we've seen a few reasons why you might place a high value on being understood, let's see how we can use this information to look at feeling misunderstood in a new way.

As usual, I have a couple questions I'd like you to consider:

  • What does it mean (to you) to feel understood?

  • What does that look like in practical terms?

Getting clear on what being understood means to you can give you a reality check when you feel like giving up and declaring, "No one understands me!" It can also provide you with the words to use to advocate for yourself when you're feeling misunderstood.

All of the things we looked at above act as filters for the way we perceive the world. There's nothing wrong with that. Everyone has a set of filters through which they view what happens in their life. These filters create your unique prescription lenses for the way you see the world. Your unique set of filters informs the way you think about the world, the way you feel about the world, and the way you respond to the world.

Because of our intense desire to be understood, I want you to consider the idea that we may elevate our feelings of misunderstanding. That doesn't mean they aren't very real and very painful. It means that this particular filter acts as a magnifying lens as you walk through life. It means that it hurts so bad when you're misunderstood. The hurts and pains become larger because being understood matters so much to you. Another way to look at it is when you're dying of thirst, all you can think of is a drop of water. Every moment without the one thing you need to survive—water—is excruciating. 

I never want to diminish your pain or experience. This is especially true for feeling misunderstood. But as a coach to INFJ women like you, I want to help you you look at things in your life from a new perspective. With this article in mind, how can you approach the next situation that causes you to feel misunderstood? Comment below to share your thoughts.

Tags misunderstood, introverted intuition
← Parenting as an INFJ + Parenting By Personality Type7 signs of a healthy INFJ woman →

This blog only contains a selection of articles from The INFJ Life, a weekly email for INFJ women. If you don't want to miss anything, you can subscribe right here:

Search for topics by using the search box or the archive dropdown below.

  • ELI
  • INFJ personality profile
  • aging
  • alone
  • anabolic
  • boundaries
  • career
  • catabolic
  • client stories
  • closure
  • cognitive functions
  • communication
  • confidence
  • conflict
  • contradictions
  • decisiveness
  • emotions
  • energy
  • extraverted feeling
  • extraverted sensing
  • failure
  • feelings
  • goals
  • gratefulness
  • guilt
  • harmony
  • healthy infj
  • helping
  • high expectations
  • highly sensitive person
  • holidays
  • hsp
  • idealism
  • idealist
  • in the grip
  • inferior function
  • infj
  • infj women
  • inner critic
  • introverted intuition
  • introverted thinking
  • intuition
  • journaling
  • judging
  • lonliness
  • mbti
  • mindset
  • misunderstood
  • myers briggs
  • new year
 

Follow The INFJ Life on Instagram:

Hey, INFJ. Even though we often see multiple perspectives when it comes to other people, we sometimes get tunnel vision when it comes to our own life. It's human!
.
Question your thoughts and beliefs about yourself.
.
Be curious about the things you don't question.
.
What else could be true?
.
How else could you possibly interpret your situation, experience, or circumstance?
.
Lift your eyes and take in the bigger picture in your life.
.
#infj #infjwomen #infjcoaching
INFJs—do you agree or disagree with this?⠀
.⠀
If you agree, what do you want to focus on in your life?⠀
.⠀
What are some "weaknesses" that you want to stop focusing on?⠀
.⠀
Comment below if this resonates with you. What will you choose to focus on today?⠀
.⠀
(If you know your strengths from the StrengthsFinder Assessment, feel free to post those, too!)⠀
.⠀
#infj #infjwomen #infjcoaching
The email that The INFJ Life subscribers received today was all about the push-pull that INFJs feel between spending time alone but also being with and helping others. We're wired this way!
.
The response I've received so far is that it's hard to schedule downtime, but INFJ women want to make this a priority. They know how important it is to their overall wellbeing.
.
What do you think? How do you honor your introverted self and balance it with your desire to help others? Share your ideas below so we can all be encouraged.
.
Oh, and if you want to receive The INFJ Life weekly email for INFJ women in your inbox each week, you can click the link in the profile.
.
#infj #infjcoaching #infjwomen
Do you ever respond this way when someone gives you a compliment? ⠀
.⠀
Even if these words aren't used, the way we respond to compliments may demonstrate this inner belief.⠀
.⠀
How can that be?⠀
.⠀
What if someone says, "Oh my goodness, (insert your name), you were amazing!"⠀
.⠀
Do you respond with everything you did wrong, where you missed the mark, and what you should've done better? This person giving the compliment must be overlooking the massive amount of mistakes you made because how else could they think you were amazing?!?⠀
.⠀
We think they're not seeing the whole truth, so our response is, "I don't care what you think and I don't trust what you say."⠀
.⠀
This inner response indicates our extremely high expectations of ourselves as INFJs. What other alternatives could you use that would respect the other person's perspective? ⠀
.⠀
You could try "Thank you" or, "I appreciate you." What else?⠀
.⠀
Do you struggle to accept compliments? What could you say next time someone gives you one?
 
Updated Certifications Dec 2018.png

PRIVACY POLICY

This website contains affiliate links. I only recommend what I truly believe in and support.

© 2019 Leslie McDaniel Coaching. All rights reserved. No part of this site, www.lesliemcdaniel.com, may be reproduced in whole or in part in any manner without the permission of the copyright owner.